


Where Dreams Come True, or What we did on our holidays

by goldvermilion87



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-06
Updated: 2012-07-04
Packaged: 2017-10-15 10:49:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/160078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldvermilion87/pseuds/goldvermilion87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock.  John.  Disneyland Paris.  Photo album added!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dramatis Personae

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with labourslamp. Will be a multi-media project.

**Mr. Sherlock Holmes** , _the world's greatest detective and worst flatmate  
_ **Dr. John H. Watson** , _retired army surgeon and the world's most patient flatmate  
_ **Mr. Mycroft Holmes** , _the government, and also the world's most infuriating busybody_

 **Receptionist** at Disneyland Hotel, _The world's least offensive receptionist.  
_ **Manager** at Disneyland Hotel, _The world's most put upon hotel manager  
_ **Park Employee** at the Tower of Terror Picture booth, _the world's most grossed out park employee  
_ **Kid** from Basque Country, _the world's most ignored thirteen year old  
_ **Ryan** , _the world's most adoring five year old  
_ **Melinda Kirk** , _Ryan's mother  
_ **Ron Kirk** , _Ryan's father  
_ **Alexandra** , _a dark shadow from Sherlock's past  
_ **Ty** , _the world's most confused seven year old  
_ **Jennifer** , _an American, Ty's mother_

 _Various Park Attendants and Tourists_


	2. Dramatis Personae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes embark on their adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Co-written with labourslamp.

**Scene One**

[ _12 January, 7:53PM. Living room of the the flat at 221B Baker Street._ **Dr. John Watson** _is seated at the table, watching YouTube videos on his laptop and occasionally giggling to himself._ **Mr. Sherlock Holmes** _is stretched out on the sofa, reading his email. It becomes increasingly evident that he does not like what he sees._ ]

SHERLOCK: What is this rubbish?

JOHN [ _looking up from his laptop_ ]: Hm?

SHERLOCK: Why do I receive all of these unsolicited emails?

JOHN: Sherlock, everyone gets junk mail.

SHERLOCK: Not everyone gets a free trip to Disneyland Paris.

JOHN: What?

SHERLOCK [ _reading_ ]: 'You've won a free two-day trip to Disneyland Paris.' Rubbish. Not a single case.

JOHN: Everyone gets offers for free stuff on the internet. It's just junk mail.

SHERLOCK: No, this is real.

JOHN: You sure? When is the trip, then?

SHERLOCK [ _gets up, leaving laptop open on the sofa_ ]: I don't know. You can look at the email. I'm going to see if there's anything on the telly.

 **Scene Two**

[ _12 January, 10:40PM. Same location._ **Sherlock** _is seated in an armchair by the television, channel surfing._ **John** _is seated on the couch, reading something on Sherlock's laptop._ ]

JOHN: Hm. I've searched around online a bit, and it is real.

SHERLOCK [ _without taking his eyes of the telly_ ]: I said as much two and a half hours ago.

JOHN [ _ignoring him_ ]: And we don't have anything planned from the eighteenth to the twentieth of February. I'll just fill this in for you, then?

SHERLOCK: Yes…What? NO!

JOHN: Sherlock, it's a trip. To Disneyland. For FREE!

SHERLOCK [ _turning around to look at John_ ]: People are such idiots when it comes to free stuff. It is completely irrational to take something you don't want just because you don't have to pay for it.

[ _Pause_ ]

JOHN [ _sighs_ ]: Tea?

 **Scene Three**

[ _13 January, 2:46PM. Same Location._ **John** _is seated at the table drinking tea, staring at the wall, and occasionally attempting to solve a a crossword puzzle. He looks up as_ **Sherlock** _enters and begins divesting himself of coat and gloves_ ]

JOHN: You know, it could be our company retreat.

SHERLOCK: What are you on about?

JOHN: Disneyland. It could be our company retreat.

SHERLOCK: What?

JOHN: You know—members of a company go out and do something fun together. Bonding, communication, that sort of thing...synergy...

SHERLOCK: I know what a company retreat is, John. I also know what "synergy" means, which is more than can be said for you, I'm sure.

JOHN: So, our detective agency—we can go on a retreat to Disneyland.

SHERLOCK: We're not a detective agency.

JOHN: Yes we are! All we need is a good name... Like 'Crimebusters!'

SHERLOCK [ _incredulous_ ]: What?

JOHN: You know—[ _á la_ Ghostbusters _theme song_ ] Who you gonna call? CRIMEBUSTERS!—that should be our company name.

SHERLOCK: First of all, John, if that name appears in your blog, I will personally write a virus that will wipe out every byte of information on your computer irretrievably. Secondly, we live in the same flat. Why should we go on a retreat?

JOHN: Different setting to bond in.

SHERLOCK: We have bonded more than enough.

JOHN: No pun-

SHERLOCK: Don't say it, John.

 **Scene Four**

[ _15 January, 7:32AM. The kitchen in 221B Baker Street._ **John** _is eating eggs and toast at the more cleared end of the table._ **Sherlock** _is doing something with an eyeball, a bunsen burner, and a beaker of orange liquid. He does not seem very interested in what he is doing, and keeps huffing in frustration_ ]

JOHN: As your doctor, I am prescribing rest and relaxation.

SHERLOCK: I haven't had a case in a week and a half. I'm getting more rest and relaxation than I can take.

JOHN: Staying cooped up in this flat, living on tea and Chinese takeaway is hardly rest and relaxation. You need a change of scene.

SHERLOCK [ _petulantly_ ]: I need a case.

JOHN: But what if you didn't get a case between now and February? You'd just be lying here on the couch coming up with new ways to destroy the flat.

SHERLOCK: Don't get a case for a month? There is no way that Scotland Yard would be able to survive that long without me. If I don't get a case between now and the time of the trip, I will go.

JOHN: Is that a promise?

SHERLOCK [ _dismissively_ ]: Fine.

JOHN [ _gets up from the table, and starts putting on his coat_ ]: Well, I'm going out. You should fill in that form, then.

 **Scene Five**

[ _15 January,_ _10:22AM. Living Room in 221B Baker Street._ **Sherlock** _is listening to the sound of steps. He begins speaking before_ **John** _, carrying several shopping bags, has entered the room_ ]

SHERLOCK: This is all your fault!

JOHN [ _carrying bags into the kitchen_ ]: What?

SHERLOCK: This trip—it's all your fault.

JOHN: Wha-How?

SHERLOCK: I won it from a raffle at Westfield Shopping Centre.

JOHN: How does that make it my fault?

SHERLOCK: I have never been to Westfield Shopping Centre.

JOHN [ _returning to the living room_ ]: Well, I never entered you into a raffle for Disneyland Paris tickets. Besides, we probably won't be going anyway.

SHERLOCK: You must have.

JOHN: Why would I…[ _look of realization_ ] Oh…

SHERLOCK: Yes?

JOHN [ _sheepishly_ ]: I might have entered you in a raffle for a car, with the trip as the second prize.

SHERLOCK: Why would you do that?

JOHN: Well, you can't drive, so I thought you'd let me use it. And I was only able to enter myself once.

SHERLOCK [ _rolls his eyes_ ]: Idiot.

 **Scene Six**

[ _23 January, 10:54PM. Abandoned Construction Site._ **Mr. Mycroft Holmes** _is standing near a black sedan with darkened windows._ **John** _is glaring at him_ ]

MYCROFT: Dr. John Watson.

JOHN: Mycroft, for the last time, I'm not spying on your brother for you.

MYCROFT: Perhaps. But I did not bring you here to discuss that. It has come to my attention that you and Sherlock might be going to Disneyland Paris.

JOHN: And?

MYCROFT: And you won't be going if my…delightful brother should get another case before February 18th.

JOHN: No.

MYCROFT: I know that you want to go, John. And I could make it happen. I personally recommended that my brother win the raffle.

JOHN: What? How did you…

MYCROFT: Don't ask, John. It would be so inconvenient if I were forced to take...drastic measures against you. I do not believe there is another man in England who could put up with Sherlock's puerility the way you do.

JOHN [ _sullen_ ]: You might have won us the Mercedes.

MYCROFT: I might have, but I did not deem it to be necessary.

JOHN [ _under his breath_ ]: Of course.

MYCROFT: However, I will ensure that there be no cases between now and the date of the trip. I trust I can assume you will not speak of this to Sherlock.

JOHN: Erm…No. No, I won't.

MYCROFT: Good. Very good.

JOHN: I can go now?

MYCROFT: Just one more thing. According to my sources you once fancied yourself an amateur photographer. You will find a camera in your bedroom when you get home. I am expecting photographic evidence that my brother has indeed spent two days in Disneyland.

JOHN: Fine.

 **Scene Seven**

[ _17 February, 9:46PM. The living room at 221B Baker Street._ **John** _is watching telly._ **Sherlock** _is pacing the room, and talking on the phone._ ]

SHERLOCK: You're sure? … Absolutely? … Ugh! Why of all the months since I met you do you choose this one in which to become competent. … No I'm not! This is absurd. Just…call me if you have anything. … No, anything at all. ... Yes, even if I'd think they were boring. … Shut up! [ _turns off his phone violently]_

JOHN: What was that about?

SHERLOCK: Lestrade has no cases for me.

JOHN: Maybe you should start packing, then.

SHERLOCK: Absolutely not. I'm sure something will come up.

JOHN: Between now and 4:20 tomorrow morning?

SHERLOCK: 4:20!

JOHN: That's when I booked the cab.

SHERLOCK: What? Why should we leave that early?

JOHN: Because our train tickets are for 5:20.

SHERLOCK: I am not leaving that early.

JOHN: I've already bought the tickets—non-refundable, non-exchangeable. We're staying at the resort, so we can go to the park as early as 8:00. As it is, we'll miss at least one hour at the happiest place on earth.

SHERLOCK: I'm going to bed.

JOHN: So you'll be bright and chipper in the morning!

SHERLOCK: You can shut up, too.

 **Scene Eight**

[ _February 18, 5:19AM. A car on the_ Eurostar _, St. Pancras Station_ , _waiting for departure._ **John** _is laughing to himself while he watches as_ **Sherlock** _stares at his phone. A voice over the loudspeaker announces that the train is ready to depart._ ]

JOHN: Stop checking your phone, Sherlock. Lestrade probably isn't even awake yet.

SHERLOCK: Because he doesn't have a psychopathic flatmate.

JOHN [snorting]: You're one to talk. Just accept it. We're going.

SHERLOCK: Not definitely. We still have… [ _his phone buzzes_ ] YES! Lestrade! Tell me you have something! … What? … Very funny. [ _he turns off his phone and shoves it into his coat pocket_ ]

JOHN: That was a bit rude. You could have said goodbye before you hung up.

SHERLOCK: He just wanted to say he hoped I would have a good time.

JOHN: That was nice.

SHERLOCK: No, it wasn't.

JOHN: Well, the train is moving, so that's it. We're going to Disneyland!

 **End Act One**


	3. Act Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes visit Walt Disney Studios Park

**Scene One**

[ _February 18, 10:13AM._ **John** _is talking with a_ **Receptionist** _._ **Sherlock** _is standing a few feet away, making it abundantly clear from his body language that he’d rather be anywhere else, and he will not be helping.  At all._ ]

JOHN: I’m sorry, what?

RECEPTIONIST: There has been a confusion with the rooms, sir.  I’m so sorry.  But you don’t have a room here.

JOHN:  But this is a reservation.

RECEPTIONIST:  I’m sorry, sir.  There are special restrictions on your reservations.

JOHN:  [ _in an undertone to Sherlock_ ] Probably because we won it.

SHERLOCK:  [ _slightly aggrieved and slightly superior_ ] I could have predicted this.  But I wasn’t bothered.  Well that was several hundred pounds and several hours wasted.  We’ll have to go back to London now.

JOHN:  Don’t be so dramatic, Sherlock.  We’ll just get another room. [ _to the receptionist_ ]  Can’t we have a different room?

RECEPTIONIST: I’m sorry, but the Disneyland Hotel has no openings right now.

SHERLOCK:  So we go.

JOHN: No, Sherlock.  You can’t get out of this.  You promised.

SHERLOCK:  Hmph.

JOHN:  What about some of the other hotels?

RECEPTIONIST: I will look.  Would you like to look at these brochures to see where you might want to stay?

JOHN: Yes, thank you.

[ _Several minutes’ pause while the receptionist searches, and John and Sherlock browse the pamphlets_ ]

RECEPTIONIST:  I’m afraid, sir, that we can only offer you accommodations in Hotel Cheyenne.

JOHN: That’s fine, thank…

SHERLOCK:  [ _shouting_ ] No, John!  Absolutely not! No!  Look at this:  “Hang up your cowboy hat at the ‘Red Garter Saloon’ for a refreshing drink while listening to the relaxing sounds of Country and Western…After a hard day of fun, mosey on down to the ‘Chuck Wagon Café’ for some good ol' food from the plains of the West…An incredible feeling of being right in the Far West even in your room!”  That sounds hellish.  We can’t go there!

JOHN:  Sherlock, it’s all they have.  It’s not a problem.

SHERLOCK:  No, it’s impossible.  It’s the middle of February.   And there is a problem--the problem being that you are as inept at interacting with hotel staff as you are at everything else.

JOHN:  Sherlock...

SHERLOCK:   _Vous devez avoir des chambres libres._

RECEPTIONIST:   _Non monsieur._

SHERLOCK:   _Je pairai ce qu'il faut._

RECEPTIONIST:   _Je suis désolé, monsieur, nous n'avons plus la moindre chambre._

SHERLOCK:   _Appelez-moi le directeur._

RECEPTIONIST:   _Je vais le chercher, monsieur, mais nous n'avons plus de chambres, elles sont toutes occupées._

SHERLOCK:   _N'importe quoi. Allez le chercher._

JOHN:  What was all that about, Sherlock?

SHERLOCK: I’m talking to the manager.

JOHN:  [ _embarrassed_ ] Sherlock!  I’m sure she [ _indicates receptionist_ ] knows what she’s doing.

SHERLOCK:  No, this doesn’t make any sense.  [ _Pouncing on the_ **Manager** _as he walks in_ ]   _Qu'est-ce qu'il raconte? Pourquoi n'y a-t-il plus de chambre?_

MANAGER:   _Comme nous vous l'avons dit, monsieur, nous n'avons plus de chambre._

SHERLOCK:  [ _inconsequentially_ ]  _Non, vos employeurs ne seraient pas content d'apprendre que vos amis et parents bénéficient régulièrement d'un surclassement sans frais._

MANAGER:  [ _shaken_ ]   _N-non monsieur, ils ...ils n'apprécieraient pas._

SHERLOCK:  _Donc, vous devez pouvoir faire quelque chose pour moi._

MANAGER:  [ _voice trembling, but obviously attempting to retain his dignity_ ]   _Non, monsieur, c'est impossible. Je suis sincèrement désolé mais nous ne pouvons rien faire._

SHERLOCK:  [ _glares at the manager for a few moments_ ]   _Très bien, nous irons à ...l'Hotel Cheyenne._

JOHN:  [ _in an undertone_ ] Sherlock, what did you say to him?  He looks like he’s going to be sick.

SHERLOCK:  [ _not at all in an undertone_ ] I just told him that I would inform his employers that he steals from them.

JOHN:  [ _hissing_ ] You can’t just threaten people to get what you want.

SHERLOCK:  Obviously I can.  But it didn’t work.  There is someone he’s more scared of.  Something is not right here, John.

JOHN:  [ _unconvinced_ ] Hm.

**Scene Two**

[ _18 February, 11:58AM._ **John** _and_ **Sherlock** _are in the line for the Tower of Terror ride, watching the pre-ride film._ **John** _is staring hard at the film, while_ **Sherlock** _fidgets impatiently and mutters  in John’s ear_ ]

SHERLOCK: Dull. … boring … inane … absurd … insipid … tedious … vapid … humdrum … idio...

JOHN: Can you just let me listen!

SHERLOCK: Why?  You were just barely able to say “ _Bonjour!  Comment allez-vous_ ” to the desk manager when we checked in.  And you sounded worse than any fourth year that I ever heard.  You’re reading the English subtitles.

JOHN: It’s hard to concentrate.

SHERLOCK: [ _loudly_ ] Concentrate!

JOHN: [ _hissing_ ] Keep your voice down. If you are going to give a running commentary, at least you could do it quietly so the whole park doesn’t get angry with us.

SHERLOCK: [ _whispering again_ ] Fine, but I don’t see what there is to concentrate on.

JOHN: Well, the  _Twilight Zone_ stuff.  The story.  Mental preparation for the ride.

SHERLOCK: Like I said--dull, boring...

JOHN: I thought you liked  _The Twilight Zone_ .

SHERLOCK: [ _with an air of self-righteous pique as they walk into the actual ride_ ]  This isn’t  _The Twilight Zone_ , John!  This is cheap entertainment.  The suit that atrocious park employee is wearing is worth more than your entire wardrobe, I’ve no doubt.  If he knew how much it was worth, he’d probably sell it on the black market to pay this month’s alimony so he had more money to feed his online gambling addiction.  This is all fake, John.  Can’t you see it?  Manufactured fear for entertainment--a cheap adrenaline fix.  Absolute rubbish if you ask...

JOHN: Well, no one is asking you. Just sit down and fasten your seatbelt...or whatever...

SHERLOCK: [ _sitting down huffily_ ]  Fine.

JOHN: Thank you.

[ _They both remain silent during safety announcements, etc.  The ride begins and Sherlock picks up the conversation_ ]

SHERLOCK: But you know it’s all fake.  I don’t see how you can find it entertaining.  It’s...

JOHN: [ _shouting_ ] Trying to listen!

SHERLOCK: [ _also shouting_ ] It’s in French!

RANDOM RIDER:  [ _shouting_ ]  QUIET!

JOHN: [ _in a lower voice_ ] That’s why I need you to be...

SHERLOCK: He’s just saying that this is an episode of  _The Twilight Zone_ ...and those “ghosts,” by the way--simple Pepper’s ghosts--use mirrors and lights and stuff.  It’s been around since the 1800s, and it’s very simple.

JOHN: [ _distracted in spite of his annoyance_ ] How do you know that?

SHERLOCK: I saw it on an American detective show, so I thought it was worth remembering.

JOHN: You watch American detective shows?

SHERLOCK: No.

[ _They are entering the Fifth Dimension portion of the ride_ ]

JOHN: You just said...

SHERLOCK: It was on an aeroplane, John. Who’s not listening now?  You’ve just missed the explanation for this positively thrilling light show we’re being treated to.  You’re a doctor--this cannot possibly be good for the eyes.  Or the brain.  What if I have a seizure?  You should be campaigning against this dangerous form of entertainment.

JOHN: Shut it.

SHERLOCK: And another thing.  Here’s where we drop.  One little drop and then the free-fall.  We know that it’s going to happen.  We know this ride is based on a system of pulleys and levers to make us feel like we’re falling without actually being crushed in the end.  And yet the ignorant masses scream as if they were actually frightened by...

[ _45 seconds later_ ]

JOHN: What were you going to say back there?

SHERLOCK: [ _somewhere between genuinely confused and feigning ignorance_ ] What?  When?

JOHN: Right before you started screaming like a little girl.  You were saying something about ignorant masses and being frightened and [ _somewhere between genuinely concerned and rubbing it in_ ] do you need help getting out?

SHERLOCK: I’m fine!

JOHN: Good.  Well, I’m just going to pop over there and get a copy of the picture.

SHERLOCK: Picture?

JOHN: The picture of you screaming, and me grinning when we dropped.

SHERLOCK: Screaming?  You heard the girl next to me.

JOHN: Of course.  You coming?

SHERLOCK: Yes.

JOHN: You okay, mate?  You actually look sick.  Do you need to sit down for a minute?

SHERLOCK: [ _sharply_ ] No!  Let’s just get that picture and go.

JOHN: Okay.  One minute.  Where are we...ok.  Er...  _Pardon, Madmoiselle!  Je...je..._

SHERLOCK: Oh.  I’ll do it!

JOHN: Yes?

SHERLOCK: Anything to avoid hearing you massacre French.   _S'il vous plaît?_

PARK EMPLOYEE: :  _Je peux vous aider?_

SHERLOCK:  _Je voudrais acheter_ … John, what are we getting?

JOHN: Just the picture.  And we’re 1124.

SHERLOCK:  _Je voudrais une copie de_ …

[ _Sherlock turns and vomits. John jumps back with a yelp just in time_ ]

JOHN: Careful!  My new trainers!...Here, sit down over here on this bench.  Are you okay, because I can’t...Haha!  I can’t believe...[ _collapses into giggles_ ]

SHERLOCK: [ _very offended, as much by his own body’s failure as by John’s mirth_ ] John.  I have just vomited.  Should you be giggling?

JOHN: Maybe I shouldn’t, but [ _more giggles_ ]  But...the screaming and....here do you want to use my handkerchief?  Only...Ha!  You actually threw up...from...from a ride right after you said...[ _increasingly overcome by laughter_ ]  And...

SHERLOCK:  [ _sanctimoniously_ ] John.  If you cannot speak coherently, please spare us the pain of having to listen to you.

JOHN: I’m sorry. One...one minute.  I’ll be okay in one...hehe...one minute.  And then we can get you a bottle of water, or … !

SHERLOCK:  Fine.  I’m fine.  Shall I continue the purchase?

JOHN:  Yes...Yes!  I need that photo!  Your face, Sherlock.  It was...it was PRICELESS!  It was... [ _John surrenders to his laughter_ ]

SHERLOCK: You are a terrible doctor.

**Scene Three**

[ _18 February 2:06PM._ **John** _and_ **Sherlock** _are waiting in line for the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster starring Aerosmith._ ]

SHERLOCK:  Here.  An exercise in visual memory, so that this time is not completely wasted.

JOHN:  Okay?

SHERLOCK:  I want you to turn around look right over there for two seconds, close your eyes and then tell me what you’ve seen.

JOHN:  What?   I’ll look like a complete idiot.

SHERLOCK:  [ _with scathing emphasis_ ]  You’re in line for the “Rock’n’Roller Coaster, starring Aerosmith,”  John.  I’m afraid that ship has already sailed.

JOHN:  [ _resigned_ ] Fine.  Where do you want me to look?

SHERLOCK:  Over there.  One…Two… Close your eyes.

JOHN:  [ _a bit annoyed_ ]  They’re closed.

SHERLOCK:  What did you see?

JOHN:  [ _without much effort_ ] I saw that arena…you know for the car show…I saw a lot of people.

SHERLOCK: [ _impatiently_ ] Details, John.   Details!  How many people? Men? Women? Children? How were they dressed?

JOHN:  Okay, okay.  Let me tell you!  I saw [ _long pause_ ] 19 children, 10 men, and…6 women.

SHERLOCK:  You’re looking.

JOHN:  [ _defensively_ ] No.

SHERLOCK: Yes you are.  Your head moved while you were counting them.

JOHN:  No, I’m not. [ _Sherlock slaps a hand over his eyes.  John tries unsuccessfully, to bat it away_ ]  And get your hand off my face.

SHERLOCK:  Just making sure that you’re not looking.

JOHN:  If you don’t take your hand off my eyes, I’m going to do something drastic.

SHERLOCK:  Like what?

JOHN: I’ll lick your hand.

SHERLOCK: That’s unhygienic.

JOHN:  And it’s disgusting.  But I grew up with a  _normal_ sibling, and I fight dirty.

SHERLOCK:  [ _removes his hand from John’s face_ ] Fine.  What do you want to do, then?

JOHN:  [ _sarcastically_ ] I don’t know.  Stand patiently in line?

[ _They wait quietly for about two minutes_ ]

SHERLOCK:  I’m bored.

JOHN:  [ _in his best exasperated parent voice_ ] Well, entertain yourself with deducing the life histories of the people in line, then.

SHERLOCK:  The woman right behind us is…

JOHN:  [ _hissing_ ] Sherlock!  Quiet!  I didn’t mean out loud.  She can hear you.

SHERLOCK: [ _still at his normal speaking volume_ ] She can hear us, but she cannot understand us.

JOHN: [ _unconvinced_ ] Sh! How could you possibly know that?

SHERLOCK:  It was immediately clear to me when she got in line that she and her husband hail from Basque Country, so there was a good chance that she would not speak English.  But my suspicion was confirmed when I saw that she could not understand any announcements made in English.

KID:  I can understand English.

JOHN: [ _vindicated, and very embarrassed_ ] See!  Her kid understands. And now we’ll be in line with them for at least twenty more minutes!

SHERLOCK:  Thirty-five.

JOHN:  Shut up, and keep your deductions to yourself.  I would like some quiet please.

SHERLOCK:  That’s laughable, considering that we are in an amusement park.

JOHN:  [ _very irritated indeed_ ] Sorry.  I would like  _you_ to be quiet.

**Scene Four**

[ _18 February, 6:23PM._ ** John ** _is walking quickly and angrily attempting to ignore_ **Sherlock** _who is half accusing John, half defending himself._ ]

SHERLOCK:  I wasn't talking that loudly.

JOHN: [ _finally stops and turns on Sherlock, who nearly runs him over_ ] Sherlock, people were trying to move away.  I wanted to move away!  That film was about the history of cinema, so it was educational.  And it was entertaining!

SHERLOCK: Bless you, John.  But it was hardly educational or entertaining.  I could teach you more about the history of cinema than that film did, and I wouldn’t distract from my lesson with an absurd storyline about wizards and romance and ill-advised attempts at humor.

JOHN: [ _shouting_ ] Sherlock, at least FOUR people told me to make my boyfriend shut up. AGAIN!   And I think if you weren’t so freakishly tall they would be saying my kid!

SHERLOCK: [ _grins_ ] Well…

JOHN: [ _deadly serious_ ] If you make a crack about my height I will hit you.  That was humiliating!

SHERLOCK:  [ _petulantly_ ] It was your idea.

JOHN: They kicked us out of the show! 

SHERLOCK: They didn't kick us out until you stood up and shouted!

JOHN:  [ _with a resigned sigh_ ] Fine, Sherlock.  Just...forget it.  It’s fine. [ _pause_ ] Dinner?

**Scene Five**

[ _18 February, 8:16PM._ **John** _and_ **Sherlock** _are eating dinner at_ The Steakhouse.   _John is nearly finished with his meal.  Sherlock has clearly only picked at his, preferring to talk incessantly and complainingly.  John, who was not responding while he had something better to do, is fed up._ ]

JOHN: Stop complaining!  We’re in a perfectly nice restaurant eating dinner.

SHERLOCK: After waiting for an hour, because someone didn’t make reservations.

JOHN:  We did shopping while we waited.

SHERLOCK:  Exactly.

JOHN:  And we’re eating now.

SHERLOCK:  You are eating now.  Because you are always eating.  I wanted Italian or Chinese or Indian.

JOHN:  Well, you also said you wanted good food without a silly theme.

SHERLOCK:  I did not say I wanted to go to a steakhouse.

JOHN:  Sherlock…

[ _John just ignores and finishes the rest of his food, and starts reading the dessert menu.  Sherlock is sulking and texting.  After a few minutes, John looks up and tries to make conversation._ ]

JOHN:  You’ve really never heard of  _Toy Story_ ?

SHERLOCK:  Why should I have?

JOHN:  [ _he is not really sure_ ] It’s…It’s an important film.   Historical or something, I think.  Anyway one of the first computer animated films I saw.

SHERLOCK: [ _scathingly_ ] You were twenty-four, and it’s a cartoon.

JOHN: [ _as if he’s scored a point_ ] Ha!  You know when it came out!  You have heard…

SHERLOCK:  You told me earlier today.  And that doesn’t change the fact that you are an adult male who apparently went to see a children’s film.

JOHN: [ _defensively_ ] Disney films have something for everyone.

SHERLOCK:  That’s what your girlfriend said when she forced you to take her to the cinema and see it.

JOHN: [ _more defensively_ ] I don’t see that…

SHERLOCK:  And you thought that Toy Story Land whatever-it-was was as ridiculous as I did.  Making you feel the size of a toy?  Who thinks that is entertaining?

JOHN: [ _a bit sullenly_ ] Everyone who was there.

SHERLOCK:  Yes—ten year olds and their parents.  At least you fit in height wise.  I just looked ridiculous.

JOHN: [ _with finality_ ] Yes, you did.  I’m getting dessert, are you?

**Scene Six**

[ _February 18, 10:29PM._ **John** _and_ **Sherlock** _are in the Disney Store.  John is browsing, and picking up a lot of hats, and being very patient..  Sherlock is being bored._ ]

SHERLOCK: Joooooooooooohn.  Are you almost done?

JOHN: Yes.

SHERLOCK: You said that five minutes ago.

JOHN: And thirty seconds ago when you asked the last time.

SHERLOCK: I want a cup of tea.

JOHN:  Then go find a shop that sells it.

SHERLOCK: Starbuck’s tea is terrible.  [ _John ignores him_ ]  John!  I’m bored.  [ _John continues to ignore_ ]  I’m bored.  [ _John is ignoring, so Sherlock drapes himself over John_ ]  I’m tired.

JOHN:  [ _finally has had enough_ ]  Will you get off!  You’re worse than…worse than Sarah’s horrid little niece.  Remember her?  At the surgery Christmas party?

SHERLOCK:  I’ve deleted that from my memory.  And I’m not getting off of you.  You’ve made me walk around that park all day with hardly a moment’s rest.  I got sick once…

JOHN: So you’re admitting it?

SHERLOCK:  …and I was forced to fill my brain with utter stupidity, and now I’m tired.  And you’re just short enough…

JOHN:  FINE!  Can you just stand up on your own two feet for five minutes while I pay for these things?

SHERLOCK:  Why are you buying all those ridiculous hats anyway?

JOHN:  [ _suddenly nervous_ ] Erm…souvenirs?

SHERLOCK: [ _suspiciously_ ] Souvenirs?

JOHN: For Sarah.

SHERLOCK: John, you are not buying Sarah that hat.

JOHN: For her niece?

SHERLOCK:  John what are you...

JOHN: Do you want to leave or not?

**Scene Six**

[ _18 February, 10:56PM.  The shuttle from the park to the hotel._ **Ryan** _, a little boy, is chattering enthusiastically to_ **Sherlock** _ , whom he has apparently decided to make his best friend **.** _ **John** _is becoming increasingly amused as this conversation progresses_ .  _Ryan’s_ **Mom** _and_ **Dad** _are clearly exhausted, and not paying much attention._ ]

RYAN: [ _singing very loudly_ ]…SMALL WORLD AFTER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL!

SHERLOCK: [ _very frustrated_ ] Are you almost finished?

RYAN: [ _still singing_ ] It’s a SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!

SHERLOCK: [ _shouting_ ] SHUT UP!

RYAN: [ _not at all offended_ ] Mommy says it’s rude to say “shut up.”

SHERLOCK: I don’t want to hear it.

RYAN: [ _very excited_ ] Tomorrow we’ll BOTH hear it!  IT’S A SMALL WORLD...

SHERLOCK: No we won’t.

RYAN: [ _even more excited_ ] Yes, we will!  That’s what they play on the ride.  And there are children from...from EVERYWHERE!  You’ll see!  We’ll go on the teacups together.  I bet you can make the teacups go faster than my mommy and daddy can!  It will be so COOL!

SHERLOCK:  Where are your parents?

RYAN: Right there!  [ _shouting much more loudly than necessary_ ] MOMMY!  MR. LOCK IS GOING TO RIDE THE TEACUPS!  AND HELP ME FIND JAFAR!

SHERLOCK: I’m not…

MOM:  [ _exhausted_ ] That’s nice, Ryan.

RYAN: [ _addressing Sherlock again_ ] And we’ll look for…um…oh…MICKEY…and…and…BUZZ LIGHTYEAR and WOODY.  They’re my favorite.  Which are your favorite?

SHERLOCK: I don’t have a favorite.

RYAN:  I think your favorite must be…um…TIGGER.  You look like Tigger.  Do you think that Tigger will be there? [ _Sherlock is flabbergasted.  John snorts loudly_ ]  Mommy says I can’t go on the big kid rides because I’m not old enough and mommy and daddy get...moving…get...they barf.  [ _he giggles_ ].  Mommy says not to say barf. Barf!  [ _another giggle_ ] But now you can take me.  I...I think we should go on the SPACE MOUNTAIN roller coaster.  Space Mountain is AWESOME!  And..and Matt...he...he said that he went on it with his brother.  His brother is almost as big as you, but not as big as Kevin’s dad.

SHERLOCK: [ _weakly_ ] I don’t…

RYAN:  Oh!  Do you think there will be a parade?  We could see the parade together.  I could ride on your shoulders.  My dad lets me, but he’s not as big as…

SHERLOCK: [ _finally determined to speak without interruption_ ] Absolutely not.  I don’t even know you.  Why the...[ _John kicks him_ ] OUCH!  John!  Why would you think I’d be interested in this?  Normal adults do not meet up with random children and spend time with them.  In fact, if I, man whose name you do not even know,  were to take you to the park without your parents, the chances of you ever returning to them would be, statistically speaking, incredibly low.  And if you were ever returned you would most likely...

JOHN:  [ _very loudly, glaring at Sherlock_ ] Sherlock!  We’re here, let’s go now.

RYAN:  [ _still very excited, and completely unphased by Sherlock’s lecture_ ] Bye, Mr. Lock!  

SHERLOCK:  You see, John?  He doesn’t even know my name!  [ _to Ryan_ ] My name is Sherlock Holmes.  “Lock” is the second syllable of my sur...

RYAN:  [ _loudly and excitedly_ ] Remember tomorrow—Tigger and Buzz Lightyear and teacups and…

DAD: Come on, Ryan.  Mommy and Daddy are tired.  You can talk to the nice man tomorrow.

[ _Ryan continues to wave at Sherlock as his parents walk him into the hotel.  John waves back, and then rounds on Sherlock._ ]

JOHN: Sherlock, you can’t just tell a little kid those kinds of things!

SHERLOCK: Well, it’s true.

JOHN: Yes, but there are appropriate ways to explain that.  I’m sure his parents have told him everything he needs to know at the age of four!

SHERLOCK: He was five, Dr. Spock.  And I highly doubt that they have, since they allowed him to torment a perfect stranger.

JOHN: We were on a shuttle, and most normal people will humor a cute kid for five minutes.

SHERLOCK: He was a little monster.

JOHN: I thought he was cute.

SHERLOCK:  You didn’t talk to him.

JOHN:  He didn’t want to talk to me.  [ _smirking_ ] I don’t look like Tigger.

SHERLOCK: Shut up, John.

[ _They are silent as they walk to their room, though John is supressing giggles the whole time._ ]

SHERLOCK: [ _very aggrieved_ ] Why are you giggling?

JOHN: [ _still giggling_ ] I’m just imagining you tomorrow on the “It’s a Small World” ride.

SHERLOCK: Shut up!  

[ _Sherlock walks into the bathroom, and slams and locks the door._ ]

**End of Act Two**


	4. Act Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In which our heroes visit Disneyland Park_

**Scene One**

[ _19 February, 8:17 AM. A kitschy room in the_ Hotel Cheyenne _. There is a large double bed on one side of the room, and a child sized bunk bed on the other._ **John** _is asleep, sprawled on the double bed._ **Sherlock** _, who has clearly just vacated the bunk bed, is carefully sliding the coverlet off the double bed, revealing an area of exposed skin above John's left hip, approximately three inches square. Sherlock checks the time, and then stands two feet back from the bed, directly across from the exposed flesh. He raises his right foot, and, with the precision of a surgeon, presses it to the area aforementioned. John springs into action._ ]

SHERLOCK: Augh! John! It's me, Sherlock. You're choking me!

JOHN: [ _letting go and stumbling back sleepily_ ] Wha...huh? ... Sh-Sherlock? What's going on?

SHERLOCK: [ _standing up and brushing himself off_ ] Just waking you up.

JOHN: By touching me with your ice cold feet?

SHERLOCK: [ _aggrieved_ ] It is your fault that they are cold, so it seemed the most appropriate way to wake you up.

JOHN: Not really awake yet…

SHERLOCK: When I got out of the shower last night…

JOHN: After you locked yourself in the bathroom so I didn't even get to clean my teeth?

SHERLOCK: …you had already fallen asleep in the real bed, so I was forced to sleep on that very _short_ bunk bed, and my feet wouldn't fit.

JOHN: Poor you. You know, you could've just curled up and made do and _left me alone_. Besides...it's longer than the sofa.

SHERLOCK: The sofa has nothing to do with this conversation.

JOHN: Fine. [ _still slowly processing what just happened_ ] But you know you shouldn't sneak up on me when I'm sleeping, Sherlock. I'm a trained killing machine!

SHERLOCK: Hardly. Besides, you were in delta sleep. I thought it would give me an advantage.

JOHN: How did you deduce...oh. Never mind. I don't even want to know. What time is it?

SHERLOCK: About 8:20 now.

JOHN: [ _grabbing his trousers and a clean shirt_ ] 8:20! The park has been opened for 20 minutes already. We have to go _NOW_!

SHERLOCK: [ _folding his arms_ ] John, I am not leaving this room until you've properly showered and brushed your teeth. And I'm not leaving this hotel unless you eat breakfast, or you'll be cranky for the rest of the day.

JOHN: And waking me out of delta sleep won't have anything to do with it?

SHERLOCK: [ _dismissively_ ] Go...make yourself presentable.

 **Scene Two**

[ _19 February, 9:55AM._ **John** _and_ **Sherlock** _are standing near a sign for "It's a Small World" and arguing._ ]

JOHN: [ _firmly_ ] We're going on Space Mountain. I did not come all the way to Disneyland just to miss out on Space Mountain because you're too much of a girl to stand it.

SHERLOCK: Surely you're not tall enough

JOHN: [ _death glare_ ] Okay. We're going on "It's a Small World,", then.

SHERLOCK: John, we're grown men. Why would we do that?

JOHN: [ _with dramatic sarcasm_ ] Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you don't want to go on the rides appropriate for grown men.

SHERLOCK: There is nothing in an amusement park that is actually appropriate for grown men.

JOHN: [ _knowing this will have no effect, but saying it anyway_ ] I promised Sarah I'd go on it. She went on it in Disney World in Florida when she was a little girl, and apparently it's different now.

SHERLOCK: John, that is absurd. She could go on YouTube and find a video, I'm sure.

JOHN: [ _desperate to do something_ ] Sherlock, I've never been to Disneyland, and this is a classic ride. And we're right by it anyway. Let's just...

RYAN: [ _running towards them and shouting at the top of his lungs_ ] MR. LOCK! MR. LOCK!

SHERLOCK: [ _groans_ ] John. Tell me that is not that miserable little...

JOHN: Hey, Ryan!

RYAN: Hi. [ _barely spares John a glance_ ] Mr. Lock! We're going on the "It's a Small World" ride together!

SHERLOCK: No we're...

RON: I'm so glad you're here, Mr. Lock and Mr...?

JOHN: John Watson. And he's actually Sherlock Holmes.

MELINDA: Ron Kirk, and this is my wife Melinda. Nice to meet you. [ _He offers to shake both their hands. John obliges. Sherlock does not._ ]

MELINDA: Ryan started talking about you the minute he woke up, and he has been absolutely certain that you would ride this ride with him. I'm so glad you just happened to be here.

JOHN: [ _smirking_ ] Yes!

SHERLOCK: [ _falsely_ ] Serendipitous!

[ _40 minutes later_ ]

SHERLOCK: [ _very loudly_ ] I cannot believe you made me stand with that FIEND in line. AND I got my scarf wet when I was climbing into that ridiculous boat. And it's COLD outside.

JOHN: [ _smugly_ ] Where is your scarf anyway?

SHERLOCK: [ _feels around his neck, and looks at John in confusion_ ] I...I had it in the boat next to me.

JOHN: [ _looking around_ ] Well, I didn't see it on the seat when we got out. You don't suppose...

SHERLOCK: RYAN! He took it. I _know_ he did. That pernicious, thieving little...

JOHN: [ _half soothingly, half mockingly_ ] Sherlock, he wants to be "just like you" when he grows up. He took the scarf because he likes you.

SHERLOCK: We have to find it. That's a cashmere-silk blend!

JOHN: [ _wholly mockingly_ ] Well, it shouldn't be hard for you, Mr. Consulting Detective, should it?

SHERLOCK: [ _disdainful sniff_ ] It wouldn't have been if I had cared to observe Ryan and his absurd family, but I didn't.

JOHN: [ _in a mock-Sherlock voice_ ] Well, I can tell from the trajectory of the direction in which they were walking, and from the fact that Mr. Kirk is clearly of Scottish descent that they are headed for the teacups.

SHERLOCK: They told Ryan that's where they were going next, didn't they?

JOHN: Yes.

 **Scene Three**

[ _19 February, 10:42AM._ **Sherlock** _and_ **John** _are walking quickly towards the teacup ride. Suddenly Sherlock whirls around, grabs John and points to a tree in the distance._ ]

SHERLOCK: [ _in an unnecessarily loud voice_ ] So, John! That tree over there is quite remarkable for its...

JOHN: [ _very non-plussed_ ] Sherlock? What are you talking about? I thought we were trying to find Ryan.

SHERLOCK: [ _hissing_ ] Just play along. [ _loudly again_ ] That tree behind you. I think you want to look at it.

JOHN: [ _more confused_ ] Sherlock? Why is Princess Jasmine trying to get your attention?

SHERLOCK: [ _hissing again_ ] Just ignore her.

JOHN: No, really. One of those people dressed up like cartoon characters is trying to get your attention. Turn around.

ALEXANDRA: Sherlock? Sherlock, is that you?

SHERLOCK: Alexandra! What a pleasant surprise!

ALEXANDRA: [ _enthusiastic, bubbly, and ear-piercingly squealy_ ] Oh, Sherlock! It's been ages since I've seen you. Ages! Why did you never call? I did give you my number the last time, you remember? In the park? And you were going off to Africa for charity work and didn't know when you were coming back. Have you been there for all these years? You didn't get much of a tan, now did you? Though maybe you used that sunblock I recommended. It does wonders for your skin, and...

SHERLOCK: [ _with an obviously forced smile_ ] Yes, Alexandra. I only just got back...three months ago. Or I would have called. Well, it was lovely to see you. [ _pulling John away_ ] John and I really must be going.

JOHN: [ _shaking him off_ ] No, Sherlock. I think you and Alexandra...

ALEXANDRA: Oh, please call me Lexie.

JOHN: [ _smirking_ ] I think you and Lexie have some catching up to do. We're having dinner at the Blue Lagoon Restaurant. Would you be able to join us there?

ALEXANDRA: Of course! That would be lovely... [ _she stops for a minute and looks back and forth between the two of them_ ] You...are you...? Sherlock, I thought you told me you weren't gay.

JOHN: We're not...

SHERLOCK: [ _grabbing John's arm, and smiling brightly._ ] Oh John, don't be shy. [ _flamboyantly_ ] Look at me! I haven't introduced you properly. This is my boyfriend, Doctor John Watson. We met at the clinic in Africa. He'd been devoting his life to his work there, until he came down with Socatoa's Hydrophilia, and had to come back here to recuperate.

ALEXANDRA: And you came back to be with him. How romantic! You must tell me the _whole_ story at dinner. But first: [ _signalling to Aladdin_ ] Thierry! Come here. Can you take a picture of us...

SHERLOCK: [ _with a saccharine smile_ ] John, be a dear and give him your camera.

ALEXANDRA: Smile, you two lovebirds!... Oh, that picture should be _darling_. And remember I want to hear all about how you met at dinner. But I do have to go. The natives are becoming restless again, as you can see. Toodle-pip! [ _she and Aladdin go back to the throng of children with autograph books_ ]

JOHN: [ _in a very strained voice_ ] Sherlock! _Why_ did you tell her that we were...together. Why?

SHERLOCK: You invited her to dinner with us. She is a mad woman, and has made my life miserable since I was three years old.

JOHN: So that's why you made up that story about...going to Africa...for charity work?... [ _he pauses for a moment_ ] Are you sure she's actually met you?

SHERLOCK: [ _dismissively_ ] A woman obsessed will believe almost anything, John. Anything except that she is not loved in return.

JOHN: That doesn't give you the right to say whatever you want about me.

SHERLOCK: John. You invited her to dinner.

JOHN: And...Socatoa's hydrophilia? I... love water?

SHERLOCK: I was pressed for time. Alexandra will never know the difference.

JOHN: Right... You get to tell the story of our whirlwind romance in Africa, by the way. I'm not helping. At all.

SHERLOCK: Of course. Now can we please look for my scarf?

 **Scene Four**

[ _19 February, 11:11AM._ **John** _and_ **Sherlock** _have just arrived at the teacups ride and spotted the_ **Kirk** _family_ ]

SHERLOCK: There they are!

MELINDA: Oh! Mr. Holmes. I'm so glad you showed up. Ryan must have picked this up when we were leaving. [ _handing him the scarf_ ] We were going to leave it at the front desk of the hotel for you. But this is a weight off my mind.

JOHN: Thank you, Mrs. Kirk. We're both very grateful.

SHERLOCK: That child is a kleptomaniac. I would keep a very close watch on him, if I were you, Mr. and Mrs. Kirk.

MELINDA: Thank you?

RYAN: [ _bouncing up and down_ ] Mommy, Mommy! Mr. Lock can take me on the teacups now, can't he? And he can spin it around.

SHERLOCK: What?

RON: We said we'd take him on this ride, but Melinda and I both get motion sickness, so we can't spin the teacups. You wouldn't...

JOHN: [ _quickly_ ] Of course. It would be our pleasure.

SHERLOCK: [ _in an undertone_ ] John!

[ _Ryan whoops excitedly, and grabs Sherlock's hand_ ]

[ _10 minutes later_ ]

SHERLOCK: I feel like I'm going to die! _Why_ would you spin the stupid teacups that much when you already know I get motion sickness!

JOHN: Ryan seemed to be enjoying it.

SHERLOCK: I was not.

JOHN: I'm not enjoying my _Socatoa's Hydrophilia_ , either!

 **Scene Five**

[ _19 February, 1:40PM._ **Sherlock** _is looking at a figure on a rooftop nearby_. **John** _is looking around vacantly while he finishes his soda_. _Sherlock gets his attention and points to the woman on the rooftop._ ]

SHERLOCK: Who is that?

JOHN: Mary Poppins. You don't know Mary Poppins?

SHERLOCK: The governess? No. I saw the first few minutes when I was a young child, and then I turned it off.

JOHN: [ _binning his paper cup_ ] Couldn't be bothered to finish?

SHERLOCK: [ _mumbling_ ] I didn't like it.

JOHN: [ _only just starting to pay attention_ ] Hang on. That's not code for "scared of it" is it? Because very few young children start a film and just turn it off.

SHERLOCK: [ _scathingly_ ] I wasn't scared of a children's film.

JOHN: Yeah? Why'd you turn it off then?

SHERLOCK: Because...It was irrational. Even as a young child I preferred things that made sense.

JOHN: [ _grinning_ ] In other words, Mary Poppins started drifting through the air and you cried, and asked your mum to turn it off.

SHERLOCK: [ _superciliously_ ] I asked my nanny to turn it off. And when one's life is a constant battle for dominance over one's nanny, a film in which the nanny gains control of the house is hardly a subject for entertainment.

JOHN: [ _under his breath_ ] I'd hate to be your nanny...

SHERLOCK: [ _suddenly grabbing John's arm_ ] John! Look closely at Mary Poppins. She looks like Mycroft. You should take a picture so I can show him when I get home.

 **Scene Six**

[ _19 February, 2:12PM_. **John** _is completing the purchase of an ice cream_. **Sherlock** _is talking animatedly to the woman behind the counter_ ]

JOHN: Merci, mademoiselle. [ _he starts eating as they exit the ice cream parlour_ ] This is delicious! I really fancied an ice cream! What were you two talking about?

SHERLOCK: Nothing. Just small talk.

JOHN: You seemed to enjoy it a lot for someone who doesn't really do small talk.

SHERLOCK: Well it was that or more small talk with you, and I've had enough of that over the past thirty-six hours to last me for at least a month.

JOHN: Thanks. [ _gesturing at his ice cream_ ] Are you sure you don't want one?

SHERLOCK: [ _disdainfully_ ] It's February.

JOHN: [ _shrugs and continues eating in silence for a few minutes_ ] By the way, you should know that I know enough French to recognize that you were talking about me and it wasn't complimentary. I'm not stupid.

SHERLOCK: Do you know your ice cream is dripping onto your jumper?

 **Scene Seven**

[ _19 February, 3:27PM._ **John** _and_ **Sherlock** _are sitting on a bench. John has his eyes closed, and his feet stretched out in front of him. Sherlock is typing frenetically on his phone. Finally he shoves it in his pocket with a sound of disgust._ ]

SHERLOCK: I'm bored.

JOHN: [ _without opening his eyes_ ] I'm sure you are.

SHERLOCK: I'm going to get us onto a ride without having to wait in line.

JOHN: [ _opening his eyes_ ] You're not going to pretend to be disabled?

SHERLOCK: [ _getting off the bench_ ] Yes I am.

JOHN: [ _getting up after him_ ] You need proof of it.

SHERLOCK: Just watch. I'll pretend to be blind. I'll wear the sunglasses I know you have in your coat pocket.

JOHN: [ _suddenly animated_ ] I know! You'll close your eyes behind the glasses, [ _he pulls them out of his pocket_ ] and try to guess where we're going. [ _he digs deeper into his pockets and pulls out something else_ ] You could wear these earplugs, too.

SHERLOCK: You just happen to have a pair of very good earplugs?

JOHN: Sherlock, I've never bothered to say anything, because quite frankly, out of all the things I could complain about, this seemed to be the least important, but one reason you don't sleep very much is that you wake yourself snoring.

SHERLOCK: [ _very miffed_ ] I do _not_ snore

JOHN: Mrs. Hudson wears earplugs to bed—and she's losing her hearing

SHERLOCK: Fine. That doesn't explain why you have them in your pocket, though.

JOHN: In case I need to take a nap?

SHERLOCK: [ _he looks suspicious, but he's bored_ ] Okay. Where are we going?

JOHN: I can't tell you. Put on the glasses and the earplugs, and I'll get you through the line. Just… make sure your hair is over your ears so that whoever is there can't see them.

[ _five minutes later_ ]

JOHN: [ _shouting at a skeptical park attendant_ ] I'm a licensed doctor, and I tell you this man is blind and deaf. He lost his pass, but you wouldn't really want to risk turning him away, would you? Think of all the trouble you'll be in if you do and he really is disabled.

SHERLOCK: [ _oblivious to what is actually going on around him_ ] JOHN! I THINK WE'RE IN A SMALL ROOM AND THERE ARE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN TWENTY AND THIRTY PEOPLE.

JOHN: Sorry. Like I said, he can't hear…

PARK ATTENDANT: Should he be able to speak that clearly, then?

JOHN: [ _shiftily_ ] Um…he only lost his hearing recently… He used to be able to navigate better when...

SHERLOCK: [ _as before_ ] JOHN! ARE WE ALMOST AT THE RIDE YET?

JOHN: Sorry...again.

PARK ATTENDANT: [ _annoyed_ ] Oh. Just go through.

[ _2 minutes later_ ]

SHERLOCK: THIS IS VERY UNSTABLE. I THINK WE'RE IN ONE OF THOSE WATER RIDES. I CAN DEFINITELY SMELL THE CHLORINE.

[ _John is giggling madly_ ]

IT'S AN OUTDOOR RIDE. I…WHOAH!

[ _Sherlock pulls the earplugs out_ ]

JOHN! YOU TOOK ME ON ANOTHER ROLLER…AAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

[ _John is still giggling when they exit the ride_ ]

SHERLOCK: [ _very annoyed_ ] This was all a plot to make me ride Space Mountain 2, wasn't it? And now I've thrown up—AGAIN—and you're laughing.

JOHN: [ _slightly ashamed of himself_ ] I'm sorry. But I wanted to ride it…and how often am I going to get a chance to make you scream at the top of your lungs anyway?

SHERLOCK: [ _spitefully_ ] I think Alexandra ought to know that one fail-safe cure for Socatoa Hydrophilia is frequent public displays of affection.

JOHN: [ _angrily_ ] I'm not sorry, actually. And I won't be sorry for breaking all the bones in your body if you try to cure me.

 **Scene Eight**

[ _19 February, 6:58PM._ **John** _and_ **Sherlock** _have just exited the Disney Store. John pulls a Judge Claude Frollo hat out of the bag he is carrying, and places it on Sherlock's head._ ]

JOHN: Ha! This is a good hat. Hold still while I take a picture. [ _he points the camera_ ] Could you have a more sour expression?

SHERLOCK: [ _surlily_ ] Don't try me.

JOHN: [ _he snaps the photograph_ ] Okay … got it.

SHERLOCK: [ _in a whisper_ ] John!

JOHN: [ _in an answering whisper_ ] What? Why are we whispering?

SHERLOCK: Don't look now, but there are two people staring at us.

JOHN: Do all your ex-girlfriends work at this park?

SHERLOCK: No. Definitely not.

JOHN: Well standing here and whispering is no good. I'm going to turn around now. Let go my arm.

SHERLOCK: Don't…

JOHN: [ _in a normal voice_ ] Sherlock, are you talking about those kids? [ _he points to a little boy and a little girl standing about ten feet away and staring at them_ ] I'm no detective, but I'd say they're about four and seven.

SHERLOCK: [ _still whispering_ ] Yes, but they're whispering and pointing.

JOHN: [ _chuckling_ ] You're wearing a silly hat.

SHERLOCK: [ _as if in pain_ ] And the little American boy is coming over here! John, do something.

TYLER: [ _very very nervously_ ] C-can…can I…can you…please…

SHERLOCK: WHAT? Get on with it.

JOHN: Sherlock! You're scaring him.

SHERLOCK: He's being inarticulate.

JOHN: He's probably seven. Behave. [ _to Tyler_ ] So, young man, can we help you?

TYLER: Could…c-could you ask mister Frollo…

JOHN: Who?

TYLER: Mister Frollo…to…to sign my book?

JOHN: [ _smiling_ ] Of course. I'm sure he'd be happy to. Mr. Frollo!

SHERLOCK: [ _in a stage whisper_ ] I will kill you for this, John.

JOHN: Just sign his book, okay?

SHERLOCK: Fine. Here. Give me your book, little boy.

TYLER: Th-thank you. [ _turning and running back to his sister_ ] WOW! I got a bad guy! Told you, Emma! Mom! MOOOM! Look!

SHERLOCK: Well, that's over. No more hats, John.

JOHN: I thought it was cute.

SHERLOCK: It wasn't. And why the he…

JOHN: Children nearby.

SHERLOCK: Shut up. Do something with this hat before…

JENNIFER: [ _running up to them_ ] Excuse me! Excuse me, sir!

SHERLOCK: [ _whining_ ] The mother now? Joooooooohn!

JOHN: [ _to Sherlock_ ] Be polite. [ _to Jennifer_ ] Yes?

JENNIFER: Yeah, I just wanted to say, thanks for that. We kept missing the signing and picture opportunities. You made Ty's day. You really did.

JOHN: It was our pleasure, Ms. …?

JENNIFER: Jennifer.

JOHN: Pleased to meet you, Jennifer. As I said, no trouble at all.

JENNIFER: Well, I was actually wondering if your friend would do us a favor and take a picture with Ty? He really wanted to have some pictures to show to Chet when he gets here tomorrow, and with the hat he does kinda look like the bad guy from _Hunchback_. I can see why Ty thinks that.

JOHN: Of course. [ _forcefully_ ] Sherlock would be happy to. Get over here, Sherlock!

JENNIFER: If you're sure it's no trouble?

JOHN: No trouble at all. I'll take picture if you like. Sherlock, just stand there. Ready? One…Two…Three…

TYLER AND EMMA: CHEESE!

JOHN: [ _showing the digital photo to Jennifer_ ] Is that okay?

JENNIFER: Yes! Yes, it looks great! Thank you again.

JOHN: Bye! Have fun, guys!

SHERLOCK: Finally, that's over. Are all American children that obnoxious? When I get back to our room I'm going to change some of the numbers in Jennifer and Chet's bank account so they never have the funds to make a trip overseas, much less to Disneyland Paris ever again!

JOHN: [ _exasperated_ ] Sherlock, you could have at least said "hi" and smiled instead of making me do all the talking.

SHERLOCK: If you're going to be officious, it's none of my concern. And a villain does not smile.

JOHN: Suppose so. [ _grinning_ ] You know, you should put on this fez and take off your shirt-see how long it is before some little girl thinks you're Aladdin!

 **Scene Nine**

[ _19 February, 8:42PM._ **John** _,_ **Sherlock** _, and_ **Alexandra** _are nearly finished eating their dinners at_ The Blue Lagoon _. It is clear from the body language of all three that Alexandra has been talking nonstop since the dinner began._ ]

ALEXANDRA: [ _very dramatically_ ] ...So I said, "Mum, Dad, I am NOT going to give up my dreams of acting. Never! I don't care if you're not spending any more money to send me to acting school!" And so here I am. And really, this job has potential! I make so many contacts, and I know I'll be in Hollywood one of these days. But what do you think? Don't you think I'd look great on the Silver Screen!

SHERLOCK: [ _very smarmily_ ] Of course. You'd be marvellous.

ALEXANDRA: [ _tittering_ ] Oh Sherlock, you flatterer! But I value your opinion sincerely. [ _to John_ ] You know, John, your boyfriend might have been a great actor, if he wanted to be.

JOHN: [ _mumbling_ ] I'm sure...

ALEXANDRA: But enough about me! I still have to hear about you two! How did this happen?

SHERLOCK: [ _brightly_ ] Well, it was... [ _turning to John_ ] John was it Cairo or Praetoria where we met?

JOHN: [ _very very surlily_ ] I don't remember.

SHERLOCK: Of course, John. [ _his voice breaks_ ] I...I can't believe I asked. Can you ever forgive me for being so insensitive? [ _John's glare answers an emphatic NO_ ] You see, [ _turning to Alexandra with tears in his eyes_ ] That's one of the hardest after-effects of this Hydrophilia, Alexandra. He's forgotten so much. It's [ _he bursts into tears_ ] it's just been so hard to deal with and...

ALEXANDRA: [ _dramatically sympathetic_ ] Oh, Sherlock! Here, I have a tissue in my purse. One moment. Here. Oh! I'm so sorry. Maybe telling the story will help? You know-to jog his memory.

JOHN: [ _loudly_ ] This Hydrophobia hasn't affected my hearing, you know. And I am still here at the table... _dear_!

SHERLOCK: [ _Soothingly_ ] I know, I know. Do you think it would help if I told her our story, John?

JOHN: I have no idea.

SHERLOCK: [ _nauseatingly enthusiastic_ ] Well...we met in one of those Kenyan villages, as I was saying. Alexandra, you should have seen this man. The most dedicated doctor you've ever met! Up for two, three days without sleeping if a patient needed him! And researching, too! I tell you, Alexandra, I never thought I had a chance with him. That he'd even look at me... But, well, there's really no understanding love, is there? Anyway...he did notice me, and...we were hitting it off well. And then the Socatoa's Hydrophilia came. And it was my turn to stay up for days without sleeping. To give something back to this...this wonderful, beautiful...

[ _John starts choking on his water_ ]

John! [ _Sherlock thumps his back_ ] Are you okay? [ _to Alexandra_ ] It's...it's the pustules in his throat. They make it hard for him to swallow, and John! Breathe! Just breathe! Concentrate in and out. There you go. Are you okay?

JOHN: [ _hoarsely_ ] No. I. Am. Not.

SHERLOCK: Well, it has been a long day. Alexandra, you won't take offence at his shortness, I'm sure. You've seen the memory loss...and the choking...and the [ _he tries to grab John's hand, but John slaps him_ ] irrational fear of physical contact...

ALEXANDRA: Oh, you poor, poor thing!

SHERLOCK: Besides, he... er, has some trouble with his bowel control.

JOHN: [ _ears turning very red_ ] Sherlock!

SHERLOCK: And boils.

ALEXANDRA: [ _horrified and disgusted_ ] Oh, Sherlock! That sounds very...uncomfortable.

SHERLOCK: Alexandra. [ _puts his hand on her arm and looks at her earnestly_ ] This man is worth it. Absolutely worth it. But we should probably get back to our room and get some rest. Do you want some dessert before we go, John?

JOHN: [ _tightly_ ] Not any more.

SHERLOCK: Well, it was lovely to see you, Alexandra. I'm sure you won't mind us leaving so soon.

ALEXANDRA: Oh no, I completely understand. Best of luck to both of you!

SHERLOCK: [ _smarmier than ever_ ] And to you, too, Alexandra. I can only wish that you find someone as perfect for you as John and I are for each other. Goodbye. John would say goodbye...but his throat...you know...

 **Scene Ten**

[ _19 February, 9:29PM. Sherlock and John and walking from the restaurant to the hotel shuttle_.]

JOHN: [ _absolutely fuming_ ] SHERLOCK, YOU GIT!

SHERLOCK: [ _innocently_ ] What? I thought I was quite nice.

JOHN: [ _spluttering_ ] You thought...Sherlock you know why I...! That preposterous story about being in Kenya or Egypt or who knows where...and then... [ _deadly serious_ ] if you try to hold my hand again I will kill you with the one you're not holding.

SHERLOCK: [ _nonchalantly_ ] I'd like to see you try.

JOHN: [ _shouting again_ ] There would be no try! I would do! And I really had my eye on those crepes for dessert, too!

SHERLOCK: You could've had them. I offered them to you.

JOHN: How could I have, Sherlock? How could I have after you ruined my appetite with your smarmy preposterous love story, and your pustules and boils! I could barely keep down what I had eaten.

SHERLOCK: John, you have to admit. It was quite funny.

JOHN: [ _bitterly_ ] No, it wasn't. And I hope Ryan is waiting for us on that bus.

 **Scene Eleven**

[ _19 February, 10:15PM._ **John** _is sitting on his bed in his pyjamas, typing on a laptop and pointedly refusing to look up from what he is doing._ **Sherlock** _lying on the bunk bed with his arms beneath his head, staring up at the slats of the bunk above him._ ]

SHERLOCK: [ _inconsequentially_ ] You should know, John, that as we are not actually in a relationship, I don't much care if you talk to me or not.

JOHN: [ _snappishly, still not looking up_ ] Maybe not, but you bloody well do care if I give you back this laptop.

SHERLOCK: It _is_ my laptop.

JOHN: [ _slamming the laptop shut, and dropping it on the floor_ ] Fine. I'm going to bed anyway.

[ _seven minutes later John starts giggling_ ]

SHERLOCK: [ _not looking up from the laptop he has started using_ ] I should've added inexplicable giggling to the symptoms of _Socatoa's Hydrophilia_.

JOHN: Hm? what's that?

SHERLOCK: Well not inexplicable...

JOHN: I was just remembering...

SHERLOCK: Her face when I started crying?

JOHN: [ _turning to look at Sherlock_ ] Yes, how...

SHERLOCK: [ _looking up from the laptop_ ] Your face is an open book, John.

JOHN: But you were looking at your computer!

SHERLOCK: I do have peripheral vision like everyone else, you know.

JOHN: Not quite like everyone else... So, how'd you know?

SHERLOCK: You sure you want to hear?

JOHN: [ _grinning_ ] Absolutely.

 **FINIS**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All that's left now is the multimedia epilogue. :-)


	5. John's Photos

**From Act I:**   
  


_MYCROFT: Just one more thing. According to my sources you once fancied yourself an amateur photographer. You will find a camera in your bedroom when you get home. I am expecting photographic evidence that my brother has indeed spent two days in Disneyland._

_JOHN: Fine._

 

__

 

 

 

 

**Babe in Playland**

 

**Not as tall as he looks**

 

**Worth. Every. Penny.**

 

**The Room**

 

****

**Before his favorite ride**

 

****

**During his favorite ride  
**

 

****

**Doesn't he look happy?**

 

****

**He claims to not be afraid of haunted houses**

 

****

**Wish that one had turned out better...  
**

 

****

**Pixellated because I didn't ask his mum if it was okay to post this.**

 

****

**Totally looks like...**

 


End file.
